Concerning Lamentations of The Fangirls

To the young women who are as my children I, Sagralisse, say this:

Of the Actors of the Screen, and of the Characters of the Manga that are acceptable in thy sight, thou mayest choose One to cherish. Of the Stars of the Hip-Hop and of the Singing Bands of Boys, thou mayest choose One to praise above all others. Let none hinder thy choice, nor mock thee for thy devotion. But I say to thee, do not stalk thy Chosen One, nor dwell upon thy plans to wed Him, lest thou fall into iniquity.

When thy Chosen One speaks to all, seek thee not for the secret messages meant only for thine own ears, for they are mere delusions. Shun those who claim friendship with Him upon the web, for their testimony shall surely be false. At thy board of messages, do not say, "I know that He shall come here and read of our devotion," for boards are as numerous as stars in the sky, and thy Chosen One dwelleth not upon each one.

When thou seest the Girlfriend of thy Chosen One, do not shriek at Her, nor afflict Her with curses, nor plot with thy friends to fall upon Her and murder Her. Whether She be real or fictional, do not pray for Her to be cast into the depths of Hell, nor create pages upon the web to malign Her. Heed me, and do not choose for thyself a name of the screen that expresses thy burning hatred for Her, nor create false icons of Her with horns upon Her head. Yea, verily, even if thy Chosen One should touch Her nether regions in a public place or should kiss Her upon the screen, thou shalt not call Her "skanky whore," or any other blasphemous name.

O my child, thou art unwise and disobedient. Thou causest great sorrow among thy companions. Thou hast moped when thy lustful letters have garnered only an autographed picture in return. Thou hast wept and torn at thy hair when thy Chosen One attendeth not events in thy town. Thou hast cursed at the security guards who prevent thee from throwing thyself upon Him. Thou hast grown angry that He returneth not thine affections, until at last thou hast cursed Him and sworn to seek Another to cherish. Thou hast strayed from the path of righteousness and shall suffer the mockery of strangers until thou hast learned to get a grip.

And behold, even as I have spoken it hath come to pass.


Apologies to Ian Frazier. Many thanks to Northern Veil, wise goddess of verb forms.